I was having a little joke with a client this morning.
We’ve arranged for him to make twice-daily email check-ins with me, because he was struggling to stay on track during his day, and suffering from a degree of professional loneliness due to working on his own.
He emails me in the morning with his to-do list, and then at the end of the day with a summary of what he’s completed.
He's been going great guns since we started the check-ins, but there was one small thing on his list that was left uncompleted.
Vacuuming.
I emailed him back this morning, “I’m starting to realise I’m becoming fixated on your vacuuming goal. Please do that today or I’ll have to come over and do it my bloody self!”
He knew it was banter, but he promised to get it done nonetheless.
However, if I hadn’t known him as well as I do, I wouldn’t have joked about it like that, because I know how powerful other people’s focus and judgement can feel.
One of the most valuable lessons I've learned on my coaching journey is this:
Other People’s Emotions are Not Your Responsibility.
You can feel the effects of the emotions of others both at home and at work - you see someone getting upset about something, and your immediate response might be to change something about your behaviour to help them feel better, whether it makes sense to do so or not.
It could be a client jumping up and down because they “absolutely need this tied up before they go on holiday” even though it would make no difference to the final outcome whether it’s done now or in two week’s time, and they were responsible for giving you information late in the first place.
In your personal life, it could be a friend saying you were more fun when you used to get blind drunk with them. What they’re really saying is watching you change and move on with your life makes them feel uncomfortable, either because it shines a spotlight on their own bad habits or because they want to hold on to the version of you they know and love, regardless of how self-destructive you were.
Even though it was way down on his list of priorities, it’s almost certain my client will get his vacuuming done today because of my irrational emotional attachment to his task, and even though he knew I was joking!
I made it “a thing”: I brought it to the forefront of his thinking, and it will suddenly feel more important to him, even though there is no real urgency to get it done.
We will often put other people’s needs in front of our own, and that’s not always the best way to prioritise our decisions.
So, what do you really need to get done in the next few days, and what are you doing just because it’s “a thing” for someone else?
It’s time to hand back emotional responsibility if their “things” don’t line up with yours.