Telling clients what they don't want to hear
Sometimes I have to tell my clients what they don’t want to hear.
Often they resist.
Sometimes it makes them cry.
This week I had one of those days. I have a lovely client who I've been working with for a couple of years now, and yesterday they were struggling with their relationship with their partner.
Specifically, they identified they had a pattern that went something like this:
They disagree about something
My client gets emotional
They have a row
My client gives in to their partner
Now, it’s possible my client is a complete idiot, has awful instincts and never has the right idea about anything, but they’re a competent, professional person at work, so it’s unlikely.
It’s more likely they’re lacking self esteem and haven’t mastered the art of assertiveness yet.
Assertiveness isn’t something you learn overnight. It’s a mental muscle you grow over time and with the right technique.
It isn’t the same as aggression.
I have to practice assertiveness every Friday with my granddaughter, Flo, especially when we’re out somewhere nice like her favourite place, Farmer Palmer’s Farm Park.
It’s all fine and dandy while we’re there, but when it’s time to go home, things can get spicy.
First of all, we have to say goodbye to the little ride-on tractors (which is hands down her favourite activity at the moment), and then we have to get through the gift shop.
As much as I would love to buy her presents every time we go there, I don’t think it’s fair on me, her or her parents to set her up for the expectation that she’ll get a gift every time she walks through a shop.
Sometimes she’s fine but other times she really kicks off.
What do I do when that happens?
I keep repeating “No toys today, hun. Time to get in the car,” in as calm a voice as I can muster when I’m grappling with a twisting, writhing mass of angry two-year-old.
“No toys today, hun. Time to get in the car.”
This isn’t an easy thing to do.
I feel as if she hates me for it, but I’m keeping my eye on the bigger picture. If I keep giving in she’ll learn that being a little shit with Granny gets her what she wants.
Ain’t gonna happen.
Every few visits she’ll get a little toy to take home. It’s never a bribe (if you eat all your lunch I’ll get you a toy etc), but it’s always done at a time when I choose rather than as a reaction to her emotional outbursts.
It’s not always easy being assertive, especially when the people you love are getting upset with you.
However, you’re entitled to your own happiness as much as anyone else, and sometimes that means standing up for yourself.
It’s not the same as arguing, in fact it’s the opposite because you take angry emotions out of your side of the dialogue and stay calm.
You just keep repeating what you want until they realise you’re not budging and calm down themselves.
At that point you can have a sensible conversation. They may even change your mind with logical reasoning when they’re in a calm state themselves, but you should never capitulate to a tantrum.
Now, my client might come back to me next week and tell me they gave in again.
That’s OK.
They mustn’t use that to beat themselves up even more.
They just need to think about what they could do next time the situation arises and give it another go then.
Self-development is a process not an event.
You don’t always get it right the first time, but if you keep putting the effort in you’ll make progress.