A few weeks ago, I had a lovely posh afternoon tea with my oldest mate.
OK, I should call her my longest standing friend rather than oldest, but we always have a joke twice a year - first in April when it’s her birthday and I rip into her for being a whole digit older than me, and then in October when she gets all smug about me catching her up.
We’ve known each other for coming up to half a century now, and we’ve been through all sorts together, from thrills and spills on ponies as youngsters, through to marriage, children, divorce, illness, career success and failure, and all the ups and downs in between.
We are bonded by a deep commitment to stay ridiculously immature with each other in a world that often feels far too grown up and serious.
For instance, it only takes our eyes to meet over a teapot, and I’ll know she’s plotting ways to smuggle the inappropriately young waiter, who’s innocently delivering our scones, out of the hotel in her handbag!
Whilst we worked our way through the tiers of delicious goodies (OMG goat’s cheese and basil pesto sandwiches are amazing by the way!), I told her how I’d banked some calories on the Peleton earlier that day to allow myself some extra treats.
(I’m on a bit of a mission to lose the extra pounds that appeared when my HRT was settling in, so I’m tracking what I eat every day.)
My friend said, “I hope you don’t think you need to lose too much more.” She was genuinely concerned, and I appreciate the way she cares for me.
“Don’t worry,” I said, “I think I’ve got some kind of reverse anorexia because when I look in the mirror I lose the motivation to eat less because I think I look fine!”
I know I don’t have much more to lose, but I’d like to get back to what I was when I felt my best. I think we all have an inner barometer of what feels like our “fighting weight” regardless of what we look like to others.
She went on to say, “I think you were way too scrawny at one time. I really didn’t like it.”
Then she laughed at herself, and said “Listen to me telling you what I think you should weigh!”
Because she’s switched on, she’s well aware having an opinion of how anyone else should look is pointless.
Everyone needs friends like her - ones that care, but don’t try to force their opinions down your throat.
It’s easy to get derailed and demotivated by the opinions of others.
As humans, we all have a need for certainty and sometimes this can manifest as discomfort when the people we love change.
People often want people around them to stay as they are.
In its most positive sense it can be out of concern for wellbeing but, in its most negative sense, it can be because when people try to improve themselves it triggers thoughts of what we’d like to change about ourselves but either can’t or won’t, so we pull others back to keep us feeling comfortable.
When I studied with the Open University, I noticed several people on my course struggling with resistance from their partners. They were told they were getting “full of themselves” since starting to study, and “thought they were better than everyone else now”.
Sad, huh?
But it happens.
When you make positive changes, it’s worth remembering not everyone will be supportive for one reason or another.
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